that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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