she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you inspire me to be a worse person
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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