I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
