yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
