I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
