i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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