I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
