the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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