i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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