your thong is hanging out like whoa
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
