You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
