somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
