He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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