Your face is a jimmy john
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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