They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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