So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
