Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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