i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
