the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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