While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
