in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
