he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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