i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
one might say we're banned from that church
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
