remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Barsexuality is the new black.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
