i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
