i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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