There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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