my mouth tastes like poor choices
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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