I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Alive.
So much puke
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
