i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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