So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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