I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
