Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
