I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
