Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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