did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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