If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
