i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
