You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
