either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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