just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
