I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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