I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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