I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
