there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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