Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
