I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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