they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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