I can't watch pbs sober anymore
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
