Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
