She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
