Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
