she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
