Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
