He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
