His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
