you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
