Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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